Agnes -

Well, for many of you who constantly read my blog while I was in Japan realize that I came home, in large part, because of a woman (which I might add is a very generous description, who henceforth will be referred to as Agnes). Sometimes, I can be so dim. Needless to say, things are not going to work out and instead of locking the disgust, hatred, and melancholy deep within my personal vault, which already needs a healthy nudge to close, I have decided to express my feelings on public domain, or at least the majority of them which I can transcribe in to this document.

Much like a hurricane, she slowly built up in my life until she was all I worried about. Now, although I’ve experienced the calm of the eye and the brief happiness that can accompany such a serene time, I have found that the eye is relatively smaller compared to the storm in general. I feel as though I am an island and the storm is passing through, intent on reeking havoc on people to come but now just a low level tropical storm continuing on its own path ever farther from me, and eventually, after I take care of the wreckage, it will be nothing more than a memory.

I have always dreamed of this ideal woman: intelligent, independent, athletic, spontaneous, motivational, and one who is willing to challenge yet also support me (by the way, if you know of anyone who fits this description and is still single, please let me know). The woman I planned on marrying had to meet all of these qualities and I always told myself that I would not “settle” for anything or anyone less. However, through the trials and tribulations of my last relationship as well as a bit of independent thinking, I have come to the realization that a woman need not be comprised of the aforementioned qualities as they can be found in friendships. Perhaps this is the biggest debate with which I currently struggle – I often ask myself if it is necessary for her to contain even a single attribute I so long desire.

Light bulb! I have now come to a bit of personal insight which should help me out in the future. I no longer yearn for my “perfect” woman. Rather, I am in search of an imperfect woman who possesses no character flaws. I now prefer a woman who might not be as athletic as long as I know that she will never give up. Perhaps she may not be spontaneous every day; however, if she is willing to make an effort and suggests something new to try, she is the one for me. Habits make the years pass unnoticed and uneventful. I am no longer in search of the perfect woman, the one who meets my criteria but one who strives for perfection, realizes her flaws, and confronts them rather then copes with them. It’s always ease to say you are going to change, never easy to actually make it happen.

The one thing that pisses me off the most is the fact that Agnes never gave it a try. She jumped shipped before the battle and was never willing to overcome her fear of what lay in store. In short, she took the easy way out. Never again will I look for a woman who wants things easy, who’s not willing to work hard, and who gives up at the first sign of distress. This to me is a major character flaw and one which I should have spotted long before.

I got an email from Agnes the other day and learned that the reason we broke up was because of a song. And the reasons just keep getting better. And the reason is as follows:

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

So, if anyone has any insight as to what in the hell that means, please feel free to share it with me. If you knew you wanted independence or wanted to do your own thing then why in the hell would you tell me to come home from Japan? I will never be able to forgive her for that. It would have been a different story had she the guts to give it a try and things didn’t work out; however, she’ll never know what could have been, how great things might have been, how perfect we could have been together and now, she never will. And part of me hopes that it just eats at her, for the rest of her life she wonders what she gave up. In every single relationship from here on out she compares that guy to me and sadly, he falls a bit short, until she realizes there never will be another like me and she settles, every day questioning what might have been… Then, I realize my vanity is getting the best of me and she’ll find some loser who she’s happy with.

Rascal stated it best when they said, “I’m Moving On.”