1.14.2008

The Fear of the Unknown

Right now, there is a lot in my life I don't know about, my stay in Japan, my job, relationship status or lack there of, Joel's decision to stay or go, etc. And all of these question makrs begin to add up and they have begun to way on my mind. Yesterday, for the first time, I was ready to leave Japan, not the country, but my situation. I am sick and tired of living this lifestyle, of eating rice and noodles every day. I hate the fact that I live in such an amazing country but cannot find the means to explore its culture, its heritage. Most of all, I woke up and hated what I had become. I have completely lost my motivation, my desire to become a better person, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I set my alarm for 8 so that I could go for an early morning run. It went off, I got up, grabbed, hit the sleep button, and laid back in my bed. After the alarm went off three more times I set it for 9. 9 o'clock rolled around and I did the same thing except this time I decided not to set the timer. I ended up waking up at 10:30, two and a a half hours after I had planned. If this were one instance, I think I would let it slide. However, ever since I have gotten back from vacation, this seems to be the norm, not the exception.

To make matters worse, I cannot seem to find my passport. I went to the police today to report it missing. That was an interesting matter all in itself and I spoke with a two different translators on several occasions. They informed me that if it was found they would be sure to give me a call on my cell phone. So, tomorrow it is off to the consulate to attempt to get a new passport.

The first day of training was not exactly the most smooth. I enjoyed teaching the children but the organization and preparation provided to both Joel and I was poor, to say the least. We ended up teaching about 3 lessons total after a twenty minute instruction period and watching an instructor during one class. However, it is back again tonight. I am sure it will get easier with time and nerves had a lot to do with it.

Right now, I am seriously debating whether or not I should go back to the United States. I love Japan but I just do not know how much more of this I can handle. If I go back, what am I going to do next? If I stay here, what am I going to do next? What if Joel wants to go home and I decide to stay? Will I be able to find another roommate? If not, will I be able to pay for rent myself? There are just a million and one different scenarios playing out inside my tiny brain right now and I think it's getting fried.

On top of that is my situation with a significant other. She is in America right now and busy until the end of July. Deep down, I know I love her. I also know that I want to travel and see the world. So, do I move back to America in an attempt to make things work? What if she doesn't even love me anymore? What if she has other plans that don't include me? What happens if... I know, nobody knows the future but it's difficult when I am trying to plan a way to be with her and I have no idea when I will ever see her again, if in fact at all, for that matter.

Right now, there is so much but so little on my plate. If I could find my will power and get motivated, I don't think I would have any problem staying in Japan. However, if that is not the case I have a feeling I will be departing sometime within the next month or two. I realized today that I have been here for over four months now and until I depart, it will be close to half a year. I just have no idea what is going to happen next so if you have any advice or suggestions - what to do with life, with a job, in regards to the woman, etc. - please feel free to lend me a hand. I hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all and I love you - who knows, I may see you sooner than later.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is "Justin" in this thread you?

http://www.bigdaikon.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=104751&sid=f88b274a43926140ccc1ef03b92418ca

deezer said...

Justin, give her a call, and see what you can do together. July's not that far away. Seeing the world is a great thing, but not if it means getting your heart broken in the meantime. Give her a call and talk to her about everything, your feelings, hers, and what you want to do.

JC said...

Deezer,

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice with the lady. I'm not sure what will happen... Are you back in Ireland now? Hope things are going well for you! Take care.

Anonymous said...

You had a popular Japanese blog, right?
Can't you use it to bring in private students?

JC said...

Yes, at one point our blog was popular and we attempted to use it to obtain some extra private lessons; however, between Joel and I we may have only gotten 8 students total, 6 of which went to Joel. So, I guess it was somewhat successful but not enough to make a living off of...

deezer said...

Yep, I'm back in Ireland now. Went back to do a MA and then get a job.

It's pretty hard to recruit people for ekiwa, as Japanese kids are pretty busy with clubs and other activities after school.

There are a lot of opportunities in Korea, but its a very different game out there, lots of split shits, and working all hours of the day and night. Have you contacted AEON to see if they'll take you?

Anonymous said...

hey big guy, hope things are headed on the up and up for you. life's full of questions i'm starting to feel that too, though not neccessarily in the same situation as you, but i'm back on track to graduate in may and i'm not sure what i want to/am going to do. it gets hectic pondering all the possiblities and onsidering the outcomes of choices. If you're struggling then you gotta go with what improves your life. best of luck, hope you have a break through, wish i could help more.

-Cullen

Anonymous said...

Justin Dude...I totally understand your situation in Japan...no motivation, feeling powerless, and hopeless in Japan..I have been here almost 14 months..the last 4 months unemployed. Im shoving off to China next month to improve my mental health. Japan is getting flushed down the crapper, no use in trying to stick around when its a struggle to survive everyday.

Anonymous said...

I took a look at the address given in the first comment. Is it just my imagination, or are the people in that thread laughing at you?

I mean the thread is entitled “Blog of a NOVA loser.” What’s the deal here?