The Fear of the Unknown

Right now, there is a lot in my life I don't know about, my stay in Japan, my job, relationship status or lack there of, Joel's decision to stay or go, etc. And all of these question makrs begin to add up and they have begun to way on my mind. Yesterday, for the first time, I was ready to leave Japan, not the country, but my situation. I am sick and tired of living this lifestyle, of eating rice and noodles every day. I hate the fact that I live in such an amazing country but cannot find the means to explore its culture, its heritage. Most of all, I woke up and hated what I had become. I have completely lost my motivation, my desire to become a better person, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I set my alarm for 8 so that I could go for an early morning run. It went off, I got up, grabbed, hit the sleep button, and laid back in my bed. After the alarm went off three more times I set it for 9. 9 o'clock rolled around and I did the same thing except this time I decided not to set the timer. I ended up waking up at 10:30, two and a a half hours after I had planned. If this were one instance, I think I would let it slide. However, ever since I have gotten back from vacation, this seems to be the norm, not the exception.

To make matters worse, I cannot seem to find my passport. I went to the police today to report it missing. That was an interesting matter all in itself and I spoke with a two different translators on several occasions. They informed me that if it was found they would be sure to give me a call on my cell phone. So, tomorrow it is off to the consulate to attempt to get a new passport.

The first day of training was not exactly the most smooth. I enjoyed teaching the children but the organization and preparation provided to both Joel and I was poor, to say the least. We ended up teaching about 3 lessons total after a twenty minute instruction period and watching an instructor during one class. However, it is back again tonight. I am sure it will get easier with time and nerves had a lot to do with it.

Right now, I am seriously debating whether or not I should go back to the United States. I love Japan but I just do not know how much more of this I can handle. If I go back, what am I going to do next? If I stay here, what am I going to do next? What if Joel wants to go home and I decide to stay? Will I be able to find another roommate? If not, will I be able to pay for rent myself? There are just a million and one different scenarios playing out inside my tiny brain right now and I think it's getting fried.

On top of that is my situation with a significant other. She is in America right now and busy until the end of July. Deep down, I know I love her. I also know that I want to travel and see the world. So, do I move back to America in an attempt to make things work? What if she doesn't even love me anymore? What if she has other plans that don't include me? What happens if... I know, nobody knows the future but it's difficult when I am trying to plan a way to be with her and I have no idea when I will ever see her again, if in fact at all, for that matter.

Right now, there is so much but so little on my plate. If I could find my will power and get motivated, I don't think I would have any problem staying in Japan. However, if that is not the case I have a feeling I will be departing sometime within the next month or two. I realized today that I have been here for over four months now and until I depart, it will be close to half a year. I just have no idea what is going to happen next so if you have any advice or suggestions - what to do with life, with a job, in regards to the woman, etc. - please feel free to lend me a hand. I hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all and I love you - who knows, I may see you sooner than later.